TEENAGE PROBLEMS
It’s
not easy being a teenager in today’s world. From depression and eating
disorders to bullying and cutting, teens grapple with a wide range of issues as
they grow and develop.
But
here’s the good news: you’re not alone and you can feel better. Read on to
learn more about the signs and symptoms of some common teen challenges, what
you can do to help yourself, and how to reach out and talk about tough subjects
with your friends and family members.
5 Teen Behavior Problems:
Teenagers are basically hard-wired to butt
heads with their parents, says Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric
education at Children's Hospital in Boston. "Adolescence is a time of
rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively," he explains.
"It's the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them
years later, but as consultants rather than managers."
Teen Behavior Problem 1:
Your Teen Seems To Hate
You
One minute your sweet child is begging you to come on the
class trip or to lie down with her while she falls asleep. Then, seemingly
overnight, she starts treating you like dirt, discounting everything you say
and snickering at your suggestions. If you look closely, you'll see that you've
been through this before, when she was a toddler --
only instead of shouting "no!" like a two-year-old would, a teenager
simply rolls her eyes in
disgust.
"It's so hard for parents when this happens," says
Nadine Kaslow, PhD, a psychologistspecializing
in kids and families at Emory University in Atlanta. "But part of
adolescence is about separating and individuating, and many kids need to reject
their parents in order to find their own identities." Teens focus on their
friends more than on their families, which is normal too.
Your Solution
Sometimes parents feel so hurt by their teens' treatment
that they respond by returning the rejection -- which is a mistake.
"Teenagers know that they still need their parents even if they can't
admit it," says Goldman. "The roller-coaster they put you on is also
the one they're feeling internally." As the parent, you need to stay calm
and try to weather this teenage rebellion phase, which usually passes by the
time a child is 16 or 17.
But no one's saying your teen should be allowed to be truly
nasty or to curse at you; when this happens, you have to enforce basic behavior
standards. One solution is the good, old-fashioned approach of: "If you
can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." By letting your
teenager know that you're here for him no matter what, you make it more likely
that he'll let down his guard and confide in you once in a while, which is a
rare treat.
Teen Behavior Problem 2:
Communication Devices
Rule Their Lives
It's ironic that teenage forms of communication
like instant messaging, texting, and talking on cell phones make them less
communicative, at least with the people they live with. In today's world,
though, forbidding all use of electronic devices is not only unrealistic, but
unkind. "Being networked with their friends is critical to most
teens," says Goldman.
Your Solution
Look at the big picture, advises Susan Bartell,
PhD, an adolescent psychologist in New York. If your child is functioning well
in school, doing his chores at home and not completely retreating from family
life, it's probably best to "lay off." It's also OK to set reasonable
limits, such as no "texting" or cell phone calls during dinner. Some
parents prefer not to let teens have computers in their rooms, since it makes
it harder to supervise computer usage, and this is perfectly reasonable. Many
experts also suggest establishing a rule that the computer has to be off at
least one hour before bedtime, as a way to
ensure that teens get more sleep.
One good way to limit how many minutes your teen
spends talking on his cell and texting: Require him to pay his own cell phone
bills. And do your best to monitor what your child does when he's online,
particularly if he or she is using networking sites like MySpace and Facebook.
You still own the home and computer -- so check into parental Internet controls
and software to monitor use of any questionable web sites.
Teen Behavior Problem 3:
Staying Out Too Late
It's 10:30 p.m. and you told your daughter to be
home by 10 p.m. Why does she ignore your curfew again and again?
"Part of what teens do is test
limits," explains Goldman. "But the fact is that they actually want
limits, so parents need to keep setting them."
Your Solution
Do some research before insisting that your
child respect your curfew because it's possible that yours is unreasonable.
Call a few of your kids' friends' parents and find out when they expect their
kids home. Goldman suggests giving kids a 10-minute grace period, and if they
defy that, to set consequences -- such as no going out at night for a week.
If it seems like your child is staying out late
because she's up to no good, or doesn't feel happy at home, then you need to
talk with her and figure out what might be going on. However, if your curfew is
in line with what's typical in your teen's crowd, then it's time to set
consequences and then enforce them if your teen continues to
break your rules. When you make a rule, you have to mean it. You can't bluff
teenagers -- they will always call you on it.
Teen Behavior Problem 4:
Hanging Out with Kids
You Don't Like
You wince every time your son traipses through
the door with his greasy-haired, noisy buddies. Should you suck it up, or say
something?
Your Solution
Kids can wear weird clothes, pierce their lips,
act rudely and still be decent kids, says Bartell, who advises parents to hold
off on criticizing something as superficial as fashion in their kids' friends.
"Teenagers are so attached to their friends that it's like criticizing
them directly."
On the other hand, if you know that your child
has taken up with a group of troubled teens who skip school and do drugs, a
talk is in order. "Without putting him on the defensive, tell your child
you're concerned about who he's hanging out with and that you're worried he's
doing drugs," says Bartell. While you can't forbid your child to hang
around with certain kids, you can intervene and try to nip dangerous behaviors
in the bud. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help about hanging out with
a crowd engaged in negative behavior. Counseling or family therapy can help.
Teen Behavior Problem 5:
Everything's a Drama
Every little thing seems to set your daughter
off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she sobs or shouts or slams
the door.
Part of being a teenager is feeling things
intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is hugely important to her.
Your Solution
Parents tend to trivialize the importance of
things in teenagers' lives, says Bartell: "What happens is that kids feel
misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling you anything. Right now it
is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with
her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously."
Don't offer advice, disparage her friends or try
to minimize it by saying that one day she'll see how silly high school romances
are. "Just listen and sympathize," says Bartell. And put yourself in
her position -- because, after all, you were once there yourself.
By TEENAGE CONSULTANCY
